As parents we desperately want to help our children succeed, but knowing how to help can often be a minefield. Under normal circumstances you could have a conversation with your (almost adult) child about how they're feeling and what you can do to help... During the stress of A-level revision this isn't always as easy as it sounds.
Tip 1: Don't add a bucketful of stress
The first step is to avoid projecting your stress about their exams onto them. They are well aware of the significance of A-level exams; schools emphasise this from the beginning, and the university application process reinforces it. Your child likely understands your perspective on the exams based on past conversations. Students and young adults often aim to impress their parents, even if it's not always apparent. It's crucial to manage your stress to maintain a positive and calm presence around them, which I understand is not easy—I have children myself! While eliminating all stress isn't feasible, being mindful of it increases the chances of not overwhelming your already stressed child who is busy revising. We certainly don't want a student so overwhelmed by burnout that they cannot realise their full potential.
Tip 2: Don't tell them when to revise
I'm not implying that you should refrain from taking an interest in encouraging and supporting them. Some students require extensive encouragement and persuasion to study, while others may need more motivation to take breaks. You'll recognise which approach suits your child, and it may vary depending on the subject they're studying. A common pitfall for many parents is attempting to dictate their child's study schedule based on their own preferences. For instance, I prefer to rise early and tackle tasks immediately, but others may find they work better later in the evening. We all have our unique rhythms and these can shift over time. The question remains: how does one navigate the challenge of scheduling study time?
First, schedule a time to discuss what will work best for your child. It's crucial that both you and your child are calm (considering it's exam time) and not trying to juggle multiple tasks simultaneously. Although parents are adept at multitasking, this conversation requires full attention.
Initiate the conversation, but ensure you allow your child to express their preferred work times and reasons. For parents, it can be challenging because we often believe "we know best," "we've been there," or "we've tried that method." It's difficult not to outright dismiss their views because of our experience, but it's crucial for the child to have a stake in the process. Listen to them and let them explain their reasoning; they're more likely to consider your perspectives if they feel heard.
After establishing a plan you both agree on, set a time to review it in a week to see how effective it is. This opportunity to use evidence—something we value in biology—about what worked and what didn't can be enlightening. You may discover that some methods work well for them, and they may find some of your suggestions equally beneficial.
Tip 3: Don't take it personally
Your child knows they have your unconditional love, which is wonderful. It also means you're likely one of the few people they feel secure enough with to express their true emotions unfiltered. They may not realise it, but their stress accumulates throughout the day at school or college, and they manage to keep it in check in front of friends and teachers. This stress must be released, and, unfortunately for parents, it often happens at home. Feeling relaxed and safe, knowing they can act out and still be loved and eventually forgiven, they may lash out at those closest to them—you. It's not personal, and it's important to remember that with some space and time to decompress (and perhaps a good cry or yell), they will return to being the lovely, reasonable person you cherish—and, hopefully, they'll be ready to apologise.
Good luck, and keep in mind that although it may seem endless, this is just a brief period in the grand scheme of things, and you'll both make it through. Take a deep breath; you can handle this!
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